So Long Insecurity Page 18

  From one woman to another, I cannot caution you strongly enough to tread carefully in the turbulent, deep water of another’s mind lest you nearly drown. I’ve talked to too many women who can’t get over it and on with it. Their security is slashed drastically, and they take personally and seriously what may have been neither. Unlike God’s omnipotence and omniscience, no compulsory correlation exists between human knowledge and power. Our finite minds can insist on attaining far more information than we have power to affect—except through prayer.

  For many of you reading this chapter, the warning may have come too late. Perhaps you’ve already opened Pandora’s box, and tucked inside was a bomb that blew your security to bits. Jesus was a carpenter by trade. He can rebuild lives blown sky-high even by our own two hands. He is an artist by essence who can paint over the walls of a mind trafficked by torment. He is everything we need, inside and out, because He sees it all. And, yes, He can handle it.

  The healing of the mind requires far more intimacy with Christ than the healing of mere bodies. He rarely snaps His fingers and whitewashes our thoughts because, were it so easy, we’d turn around and open them to destruction again. Instead, He chooses to transform our willing minds one reflection at a time. Start right now. Tell Him what keeps haunting you. Ask Him to grant you His own words to recite the moment you replay those old conversations and images. Then take all that insatiable desire to delve into the unknown and focus it right on His face.

  [You] may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge.

  Colossians 2:2-3

  That, sweet one, is knowledge with power.

  Chapter 12

  Through the Eyes of the Guys

  Remember that men’s survey I told you about a couple of chapters ago? We purposely limited that inquiry to two basic questions in order to attract the most participation from men. The first targeted men’s individual insecurities and the ways they surface. Their responses became the subject matter of chapter 10 and pried open the door for chapter 11. After asking the men to divulge their own insecurities, the second question turned the focus from their take on themselves to their take on women:

  “What is the most common way you notice insecurity in women?”

  After reading every syllable of every answer, I have three words to say to you: they’re on to us. By the time I reached the 150th response, I knew they had us pegged, and frankly, it annoyed me to no end. I’m sure at this point you’re probably feeling a little defensive and wondering why I bothered asking them and why we should care what they think. Never mind that they’re the other half of the world’s population. If you’ll put up with a personal story, I’ll explain why I sought their perspective.

  Keith and I didn’t make it to our first anniversary before we needed marriage counseling. Our start possessed all the tranquility of a pair of bottle rockets duct-taped together. By the time we’d been married a month, I had convinced myself that the whole thing was a huge mistake and we should back out just like we’d backed in. About the time my exit strategy was shaping up, I was hanging my head over the toilet, thinking about how sick marriage made me. As we stared at the positive sign on the home pregnancy test, we both nearly dropped dead on our brown-speckled linoleum. It was a classic case of good news and bad news. We were going to have a baby . . . but we were also going to have each other.

  On rare occasions, foolish couples do smart things. We headed for professional help as fast as our feet could carry us. At our first appointment, the counselor gave us an assignment to complete before the next week. “I need to hear from both of your hearts. I want each of you to write me a letter telling me why you’re here, what you’re feeling, and what you don’t like about your marriage partner. Tell me everything that’s wrong from your perspective. Spit it out, stick the letter in an envelope, seal it, and turn it in to me next week.”

  So that’s exactly what we did. With the green light to rat on one another, we wildly wrote out our grievances and complaints, as if the chance would never pass our way again. We returned the next week, clutching our big secret tells with no small satisfaction.

  “Did you each write the letters I requested?”

  Smug nods.

  “Good. Now, hand them to each other, open them, and read them.”

  More sophisticated couples would have been onto the scheme the moment the psychologist requested the exercise. We, however, were barely in our twenties and never saw it coming. We had gotten some things off our chests all right, things we meant to say behind one another’s backs, not to one another’s faces. It was excruciating.

  Don’t take the story as a recommendation, but the end result accomplished something remarkable for us. We said some things that needed to be said, but in the process, we each looked at the other, saw the pain our harsh words caused, and grieved. At the same time, the confessions revealed things that neither of us could see in ourselves. The only way I could prove Keith wrong was to change.

  That, beloved, is the primary reason we need to know how men perceive us and our insecurities. We may not realize the impact our insecurities have on our relationships—or the lack of them. Worse yet, we probably don’t have a clue how obvious they are. We think we’ve got our game on more than we do, which brings us back to my story for a few seconds. As it turned out, Keith and I had not only written about our angry grievances, we had also confessed to our own mistakes and regrets—even without being asked to divulge them. Somehow, the more we got off our chests, the more our hearts were revealed.

  The guys who participated in our survey were at no loss for words when it came to describing our insecurities, though their appraisals included far more than critiques. The majority spoke with affirmation and respect toward women, and many owned significant responsibility and regret for fueling the fire of female insecurity. This is an example:

  We as men (me included) have failed to assure women they are God’s most beautiful creation. A woman’s insecurities could be drastically reduced if men would love like Jesus did.

  There were a handful of spiteful ones to whom I will offer little space and a recommendation for counseling. My objective is to mention only the comments that hold constructive value. As you read them, you’ll notice the beginning of our transition from men-related insecurities to insecurities we have with other women. We will fuse the two for a while and then move decisively to dealing with our own gender.

  Overwhelmingly, survey participants noticed that women seemed most insecure in the area of appearance. No contest. Over and over, the men asked questions to this effect: “Why do you have to worry so much about how you look all the time? Why can’t you realize how beautiful you are to us?”

  Granted, we didn’t drum up insecurities about our appearance all by ourselves or out of pride alone. Our culture places such a high premium on looks that we almost can’t help but feel the backbreaking pressure. My man is big on looks, and especially at this point in my life, I’m squirming under that microscope. At the same time, the fact that the male respondents wished we weren’t so self-conscious and weak about our appearance is noteworthy. We’ll delve deeper into that element toward the close of the chapter. For now, let’s look further at our survey results.

  In tandem with our insecurities about appearance, many of the men mentioned our painfully obvious propensity to compare ourselves to other women. They catch us literally sizing each other “up one side and down the other,” especially if we feel threatened. I was appalled, not because we compare ourselves to other women, but because men know we compare ourselves to other women.

  One guy summed it up this way:

  Most obvious is when women are around other women; they try to size each other up and look for reasons to not get along rather than to get along. They seem easily intimidated, whether by physical beauty, character status, or whatever makes them feel that the other woman has more going for her, and a barrier goes up.

  Annoying, but too
often true. Guys no doubt compare themselves to one another too, but generally speaking, they seem secure enough not to be quite so obvious. Maybe they also limit their self-comparison to someone really intimidating. On the other hand, women tend to do it automatically and even unintentionally. One survey respondent mentioned that he wasn’t sure his wife recognized that her habit of changing outfits five times before she walked out the door to Bible study was rooted in insecurity. (A man may try to get into our minds, but he’d be wise indeed to stay out of our closets. He crossed the line there, didn’t he?) Then, as if a light came on for him, he wrote:

  Maybe that’s it! I realize when I am not feeling very secure, but women face insecurity everywhere they go, so perhaps it has become second nature.

  He’s probably right, but if he is, we need to dump that second nature. If we’re in Christ, we already have a second nature that is not remotely insecure. In a few chapters we’re going to learn ways we can break the habit of constantly sizing ourselves up against other women.

  According to the male respondents in the survey, another telltale sign that a woman is feeling insecure is incessant talking. You need look no further than the book you hold in your hand for exhibit A. Needless to say, some women clam up when they’re hit by a wave of insecurity, but many of us do exactly the opposite. In the words of one of our men, we “babble.” When I first read that, I reacted the same way you’re probably reacting right now. I wanted one solid hour to give him a piece of my mind. Then again, I suppose that would just prove his point. Simply being aware of the tendency to talk too much is enough to help me exercise some verbal restraint when I feel insecure. That’s the only reason I shared it with you. Remember, we’re only discussing the comments with constructive value.

  The next one reveals not only female insecurity, it also suggests male duplicity. Many men enjoy ogling a woman who is sensually or immodestly dressed, but over and over again, the respondents claimed that guys perceive this as a sign of insecurity. In fact, a twenty-nine-year-old respondent used one lonely word to describe the most common way women demonstrate insecurity:

  Cleavage.

  Here’s another one who says the same thing with a few additional terms:

  [They show their insecurity by] how they dress; the more skin they show, the more insecure they are.

  The criticism is particularly fascinating since we women generally assume that men want us to look sexy. Perhaps many do. But they also think we’re a little pathetic. That kind of duplicity—if not hypocrisy—was maddening to me until I realized that men have their own lockers full of trash, just like we do. When we apply what we learned about not seeing men as gods or devils, we understand that men are not one blink healthier than women are emotionally. A person can be on target about something, however, without necessarily being healthy. If what these men say could be true, then we would do well to listen to them—regardless of whether they have their own acts together or not. Of course, they would do well to listen to us, too, but we’ll leave that to them. And anyway, men are not alone in their duplicity. We fight the same tendency when we strive to control our guys, and then when we finally get them to submit to us like whipped dogs, we think they’re a little pathetic.

  You’re probably going to want to hit this next guy with a table lamp, but let’s hear him out anyway, keeping in mind that he’s twenty-three:

  I don’t know of any girls who don’t act insecure. They are all up on guys, and they sleep with anybody. They look hot, but everybody says stuff about them later. There aren’t any girls out there who you would want to marry and be your kids’ mom. Sad.

  The dude has a severe problem with stereotyping. He obviously isn’t getting out enough. Many women have similar sentiments about men. Listen to one guy’s frustration:

  I hear so many women complain they can’t find good men. They’re all over the place, but they don’t necessarily fit your idealized standard of the tall, strong, good-looking knight on a white horse who is featured in various forms in the overdramatized, unrealistic romance novels so many ladies crave. No wonder we can’t please you. I can’t even ride a horse!

  Let’s overlook the romance novel dig unless you habitually read the kind he’s insinuating. I don’t think he’s talking about Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice or Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, although a steady diet of either one could probably skew your relational capacities a bit. I’m pretty sure he’s referring to the kind of romance novel that is all lust and zero literature. Let’s do each other a favor and not let this guy be right about us. I hate being stereotyped as an airheaded, superficial female. If you insist on a steady diet of books like that, for crying out loud, quit taking them in public because you’re giving us all a bad name. I mean that in the nicest way. That said, let’s admit that this guy is right about many women who complain that they can’t find a good man. That admission will help temper the fact that we just heard a twenty-three-year-old say there are no good women out there. Stereotypes are never fair.

  Guys in our survey listed a number of other top-ranking insecurities in women:

  irrational jealousies

  full-blown emotional episodes (whatever could he mean?)

  an obsession with what people think

  an insatiable need for affirmation

  One man suggested that insecure women ask a lot of “Am I?” questions, either directly or indirectly: “Am I beautiful? Am I loved? Am I a good mom?”

  In my estimation, the most intriguing part of the whole survey was this: across the board, regardless of age or marital status, the men who responded did not want women to feel insecure. Given the nature of the blog post and the willingness of the participants to help, many of them were clearly terrific guys and maybe even the cream of the crop. Some men relish an insecure woman, but I didn’t sense that tendency from a single one of these men. They didn’t even like to see insecurity in women when it offered them the upper hand. By the time I had pored over every response, I got the distinct impression that men would rather have a secure woman any day over one they could completely dominate and exploit.

  The men seemed resistant to female insecurity both for our sakes and their own. They hated to see us so miserable and openly vulnerable, and they also seemed to find the evidence a little repulsive. Consider the following comment:

  As far as female insecurities, no offense, ladies, but you have us trumped on just about all fronts (and that includes the “front”). Typical, common, widespread insecurities include looks, body shapes, lack of education or perceived intelligence, neediness, and many others. It manifests itself in nagging, self-doubt, self-loathing, seeking approval/validation, and the need for constant reassurance. It gets quite tiring for men who, as we get older, just love you for exactly the way you are. Can you not understand that? We are not lying if we tell you we love you, you are beautiful and appealing, and we enjoy being with you immensely. When women’s insecurities are vividly displayed to us, it turns us off, frustrates us to no extent, and perplexes us. Get over it!

  Whether or not you agree with everything he said, the last portion is definitely worth pondering. Men are repelled by open displays of female insecurity. In the long run, it does not make them more tender to us, more careful with us, more loving toward us, or more attached to us. It makes them, in the words of another guy, want to “run for [their] lives.” It may not be fair, but it is a fact.

  After months of research, I’m convinced that men are indeed more intrigued by a confident woman who carries herself well and knows who she is than a picture-perfect beauty who seems little more than that. Some men might be tempted to take the latter to bed, but when all is said and done, they would more likely take the former to heart. When the average guy sees the woman in his life hold her own in the face of intimidation, he is impressed. At the end of the day, both men and women want to be with someone they can respect.

  Early in our journey together I told you how much I hoped we would find a deeper motivation for sayi
ng so long to our insecurity than for the sake of pleasing men. The only definitive and enduring motivation for a true transformation in our security will be God Himself. The Creator of heaven and earth assigned us dignity and immeasurable value, and only when we finally accept those inalienable truths will we discover authentic security. I know a little bit about how the human mind works, however, and I know that some of you will require time and concerted effort to transfer your motivations. Call me naive, but I’m holding out hope that, on the way to divine revelation, we can all learn to trash the tactics that keep us insecure.

  Insecurities do not attract. They repel. Insecurities do not invite intimacy. They invite uncertainty. They do not work for us on any level at all, except to open our hearts and minds to the healing, securing strength of Christ. Through Him we have acquired the human unction upon which every life pivots: the power to choose.

  Chapter 13

  The Power to Choose

  The most prized possession God gave humankind when He formed Adam from the dust of the earth was the power to choose. Nowhere do we bear the image of our Creator more forthrightly than in the ability to exercise our free will. Before God ever spoke the words, “Let there be light,” He had determined to let there be choice. God knew every implication of the human will in advance and that the gift would enable us to accept or reject the very One who gave it to us. But He sought relationships, not robots. He designed our intricate souls to flourish where they are free and to recoil where they are forced.

  The power to choose takes precedence in our relentless fight for security. No matter how hard we work to improve our circumstances, our spirituality, and our associations, merely walking through daily life is enough to till the soil and sow insecurity into our souls. The point of this chapter is to suggest that we really can say, “No, thanks.” We can make a deliberate choice to refuse insecurity the space to seed. Every person created in the image of God has the right to choose, but those of us who have received Christ’s own Spirit also possess the concentrated strength to exercise that right.